By Mark Lenz

This week marks 24 years of marriage for my wife and me. Over the years, a lot has changed. Our family has changed. Our house has changed. Our marriage has changed. If there’s one thing we can count on, it’s change.

If managed well, change can be a good thing. But sometimes sudden, unplanned changes shake the foundations of a marriage.

The more I think about changes to our house, the more I see correlations to changes in our marriage. When we built our house in 1996, we left much of it unfinished. We were early on in our careers and money was tight. The kids were small, and we didn’t need much room.

But as time passed and the kids grew, our house needed to as well. So, over the years we’ve done a couple of minor projects on our home. First project—finish off the main level. We knocked down a wall, added a new living room, bathroom, hallway and bedroom. New carpet and a few coats of paint later, our home was looking good. The next project—finish the basement. Same process. Put up a few walls, add a master bedroom and master bath, another living room with a big TV and fireplace, and there you go! The basement was finished. (Of course it wasn’t quite as easy as I’m making it out to be.)

This was especially true a few years later when we faced a daunting, major remolding project. But remodeling was a little different than just finishing a level. When you finish a level, you basically do a little preparation and then start building. But when you remodel, you have to tear down what you’ve already worked on and grown accustomed to before you can make any necessary improvements.

It always gets messier before it gets better.

Working on our marriage has been the same way. Early on, we simply had to work on adding a few things to our marriage. A little more communication here, and little less criticism there, and wah – lah! A better marriage.

But as with homes that get neglected over time, sometimes in a marriage, little hidden cracks in the foundation or unseen mold in the walls can devastate a home, if left unchecked. And once those issues are discovered, and the tough decision is made to fix them, you may have to knock down some long-standing walls and make a mess of things before it gets better.

That’s been our experience.

When you walk into a counselor’s office and start talking about hopes and hurts, dreams and disappointments; it can feel like a wrecking ball is shattering all you’ve built up over the years. But, trust me. I’ve spent a good deal of time talking to counselors and carpenters. Both say it takes some tearing down, before building up can happen. Talking about hurts is often part of the healing process. And I know that it’s worth it! The same way homes can be remodeled, so can marriages. It takes hard work, sacrifice and commitment, but the end result is beautiful!

The Apostle James said that we will face all sorts of trials and testing in life. But if we persevere, and allow God to remodel us and finish the work, we will see great results. (See James 1:2-4.) So if you start looking at your marriage and see some little cracks that need to be addressed, take courage and go after it. Get the help you need. Commit to the remodeling / restoration process.

Allow God to be involved, and have faith that he has a wonderful and beautiful new reality waiting for you.

Mark is the Connections pastor at the Blaine campus. He and his wife Carolyn live in Blaine, and they have three kids. Mark tweets @markjlenz.

By Tahni Cullen

“I can do it, and I can do it well,” I mumbled half-heartedly.

My college professor tilted her chin to her chest and said, “Say it again, but mean it this time.”

I looked down at the notecard where on our first day of working together she made me write “I can do it, and I can do it well.”

I said it again with a little more gusto, but honestly, I wouldn’t come to believe it until much later. I was frustrated. Stuck.
I was a senior in college and a theater minor who at the “I-believe-in-you” prompting of another director was birddogged into performing a two-hour, one-woman theatrical production. One-woman means “all by yo self.” In front of 250 people. No notes. No net. Fully vulnerable. Rehearsal set for six full weeks directed by a talented woman who I both respected greatly and who kinda terrified me. Scary.

Now, I was up for acting the role of this historical character who was a tragic mix of wit, triumph, and mental insanity. But the short parts where I had to sing? And ballet dance? And knit!? I was totally in the red on how to even fake any of that well, and trying to learn it had me a wreck. “I can’t get it!”

I wanted to quit just about as much as I wanted to succeed. But I couldn’t. But I wanted to. But I didn’t. It was one of the best early lessons of my life that I can do hard things.

As Christ followers, (well, as Americans), what is it that makes us so prone to frustration when things get a bit hard? Weren’t we made to do hard things? Yet I’ve had to fight this. “God, rescue me, relieve me, fix this… God, why are you doing this to me… I can’t do this… It’s not fair… I’m just gonna quit… Will it ever get better?…” Frustrated. And instead of believing we can do hard things, we are enticed to numb or run from our discomfort.

We have become the most in debt, overweight, addicted, and medicated adult population in U.S. history, in part because we don’t believe we can do hard things, and that we can do them well.

Jesus said, “…in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you will have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]” (John 16:33, Amplified)

Despite marital problems, despite parenting issues, despite financial struggles, despite sickness and depression, despite grief and loss and disappointment—if we get in Christ, we know because he conquered, we get to win. There is not one problem we face—and we’ll still face them—that doesn’t come with the gifts of His promise and His provision to walk through it. But I’ve learned that promise and provision will stop dead in their tracks to get to you if you don’t first surrender your frustration—and your contingency plan to quit.

God works to partner with a “can-do” spirit. As James 1:25 says, “Whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—…and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action.”

Tahni Cullen is the ministry director at EBC’s Spring Lake Park campus. She’s been married to Joe for 13 years and has a son, Josiah (6). You can follow their journey with autism at hopingnotcoping.wordpress.com.

By Georgia Ridgeway

There’s no avoiding the buzz about The Hunger Games, and its looming presence in media and culture lately has some parents in a quandary on whether they should allow their kids to read the books or see the movie.

Protecting and guiding your kids is hard work. However, I believe that we can actually make these trends and media work for us.

When our kids approach us with questions about trending media, demonstrate and teach them what it is to listen.

Ask tough questions, why this excites or interests them, what are their friends saying are the best parts and help them to start thinking about the big picture.

Their minds are not fully developed, so be patient and realize that you will likely need to repeat yourself, but that with each conversation you are building a platform where your kids will learn to seek your insight and to trust you even more.

When your kids are ready to read a book series like The Hunger Games, why not read it with them? By taking the time out to explore these stories with them it will communicate a lot of things to your kids as well as keep you up to date with what your kids are facing. This allows you to engage with them while knowing what they are talking about and it will give you the platform to help your kids start to think critically about what they are watching and reading. By doing this, you will create a safe place for your kids to come and talk about anything with you, not as a friend, but as a parent who is committed to supporting and challenging their kids. This will communicate to your kids a respect for them, an interest, a desire to learn, and that you are invested in them.

We may not be able to shield our kids from everything in this world, but we can prepare them to start looking at the world through a different view.

The Hunger Games will not be the last craze that will concern parents, but it can be a venue to open conversation with your kids about values, decisions, and faith. Seize this opportunity to develop their minds and their character.

In fact, help each other out, and in our comment section below list some great conversation starters to have with your kids on either this book series or how to respond to new trends.

Georgia Ridgeway is the program developer for Eagle Brook’s elementary program, Elevate.

I recently returned from a snowboarding trip to Montana where I learned a valuable life lesson. Although it’s a lesson I learned from a reckless mistake I made snowboarding, it also applies to marriage and life in general. But the lesson is from a story, so stick with me. It does have a point.

Whenever I take my two teenage sons out west to go snowboarding, my wife always gives me a well deserved warning just before we leave. “Be careful. And don’t lose anyone.” (She still hasn’t forgiven me for temporarily misplacing our 9-year-old son Zac on the slopes ten years ago. She insists I “lost” him.) So, every year I promise to be careful. This year though, I should have taken my promise to her a bit more seriously.

It was day two of our three day trip to Bridger Bowl in Bozeman, Montana. My now 19-year-old son Zac and I were in a very steep part of the mountain. We hopped off a trail onto what they call the “High Traverse.” In snowboarding, this means to un-strap your board and walk. Not wanting to hike up any higher, we decided to take the nearest option—a ravine surrounded by high, steep walls. We both saw a small orange sign that said “cliff,” but we ignored it. Forgetting my promise to my wife, Zac and I proceeded down the steep shoot. He went first while I took a picture. Then, realizing how steep it was, he stopped and I proceeded to slide 20 feet passed him. We could see a large rock about another 20 feet in the distance, but from our vantage point we couldn’t see beyond it. I decided to hop over several large exposed rocks to get a better look.

What I saw dropped me to my seat in fear. It was a 30 foot cliff. Oh yeah, now I remembered that small, orange warning sign that Zac and I somehow felt didn’t apply to us. I told Zac to stay where he was so I could try to climb back up to him. But as I took off my board, I slid toward the cliff and instinctively let go of my board to slow myself down. I slid only a few feet and stopped just as Zac and I watched my snowboard plummet over the cliff and make its way down a large, empty ravine. After about 30 seconds of watching my board fly down the mountain, I realized that could have been me! Then I thought if I’m not careful, it still might be.

Trying to stay calm, I turned to make my way back to Zac. But the exposed rocks that I had hopped over on my way down made it impossible to climb back up. I told him, “I can’t make it back up to you. You try to climb back up and I’m going to see if there’s another way down.” At that time, the feelings rushing through me were intense. Mainly fear. But also isolation. Alone on the steep slope, I had nothing to hold to give me stability. But with my back to the slope, I saw some tree roots sticking out of the snow. I made my way over to them and grabbed on. This gave me some stability until I figured out my next move. I saw a few pine trees just 10 feet in front of me. I let go of the roots, slid toward them and came to a stop. Taking a bit of a break and surveying my situation, it became clear that my only chance to get around this cliff was to slide approximately 200 more feet towards another small group of pine trees. My plan was to let go of the trees, slide toward those pines in an attempt to grab them before I slid past.

I had about a 90 percent chance of hitting the trees, but I let go and began my slide. I underestimated my speed, however. I did indeed hit them. (My aim has always been pretty good.) But as I approached them, I reached out to hug the trees to slow down. I hit them pretty hard. The impact slowed me down considerably, but I was not able to secure my grasp onto any of the branches. Fortunately by this time, I had slowed my descent enough where the rest of the slide down the steepest part around the ravine was fairly uneventful. I eventually came to a stop, got out my walkie-talkie and let Zac know that I was safe. He told me he made it back to where we started and we arranged to meet at my snowboard, which was still a few hundred yards down the mountain.

Remember, I said there was a lesson in this story? The obvious lesson is, “Don’t ignore warning signs.” But perhaps I shouldn’t say it was obvious since Zac and I so easily ignored the orange “cliff” sign.

I’ve bruised my ribs before, and as with past experiences, my ribs began to get more sore as the day progressed. As I lay in bed that night, unable to move due to the extreme pain, I thought about my experience. And it frightened me. I tried to come up with a word to describe myself as a result of my misadventure. Careless? No, that doesn’t quit describe it. Too soft. Stupid? Sure, but still not potent enough. I finally came to the conclusion that the best word to describe myself was Fool.

Proverbs 14:16 describes a fool as reckless. Proverbs 10:8 says a wise man receives commands but a fool will come to ruin. It’s clear that a wise person pays attention to the warning signs that fools ignore.

In the Matthew 24, Jesus tells his disciples of warning signs for the end of the age and tells them to watch out and pay attention. I think the same can be said of any warning signs. We’d be fools to ignore them! And this is where my story applies to marriage. (Remember, I said it did have a point.)

If we look at our marriage hard enough, we may see warning signs. Little signals that show us that our marriage could use some help, or is perhaps in serious trouble. And we’d be fools to ignore them. One warning sign is lack of communication. If you and your spouse aren’t talking regularly, it might be a warning sign you should heed. If your emotions are always on the edge, if little things set you off and arguments arise out of nothing, that could be a warning signal that smart people heed but fools ignore. If you’re spending time on websites that lead you away from intimacy and stray you emotionally from your marriage vows, you’re heading for a cliff. If you’re receiving emotional gratification from friends or coworkers, and seek them out as the primary source for your emotional strokes, you may already be past the point of returning unharmed. Like me—stuck on that steep slope—sometimes you start down a path and find yourself not able to climb back out. You have to continue down it and take the bumps and bruises along the way. I have painful ribs and an ugly gouge on the front of my snowboard that serve as vivid reminders of the foolish mistake I made. Often, we have to pay painful consequences for ignoring warning signs and acting foolishly.

But there are signs. We just have to look for them and heed their advice. If the small orange “cliff” sign had instead read Please note Ecclesiastes 7:17, which says: Do not be a fool– why die before your time?, would I have taken its advice? I don’t know. That’s the thing about acting like a fool, you typically disregard obvious warnings. Ecclesiastes 10: 3 says “The fool lacks sense and shows everyone how stupid he is.”

I’d like to think that I act like a fool only occasionally, so I hope you will heed my warning, learn from my mistake and take my advice. Watch for the warning signs. Surround yourself by good people that can give you the same warning if you choose to disregard the signs. Warning signs are there for a reason. Don’t ignore them. Get help seeing and heeding their warnings and you will hopefully avoid many painful mistakes on the slopes of life.

Mark is the Connections pastor at the Blaine campus. He and his wife Carolyn live in Blaine, and they have three kids. Mark tweets @markjlenz.

By Emily Alexander

As the mother of a 7-month-old son—and still wondering why the hospital sends you home with a 2-day-old newborn and expects you to know what you’re doing—I have found myself hungry for ways to be a better parent.

I recently started reading The Wonder of Boys by Michael Gurian, and he talks about this concept of “the tribe.” The tribe is essentially the mountains of people it takes to raise your child. It made me stop and realize the importance of the grandparents, friends, and mentors who will come in and out of my son’s life.

Jason Anderson, one of our Eagle Brook teaching pastors, touched on this topic of the tribe in our recent “Raising Amazing Kids” message series. At one point, he realized he was the ONLY strong, male, Christian influence in his child’s life. Instead of raising his head high and pounding his chest in victory, he expressed a very counter-cultural reaction to this revelation: he needed help!

You see, our kids are hungry for a relationship that extends outside of their immediate family members. As much as I want to believe that my household will be a safe place for my kids to share their feelings, their struggles, and their passions without hesitation, I’d be foolish to believe there won’t come a day when this simply will not be true.

Michael Gurian writes:

“Family 1: birth or adoptive parent, including grandparents who raise kids (the nuclear family); Family 2: Extended families—blood relatives or non-blood ‘friends,’ daycare providers, teachers, peers, and mentors; Family 3: Culture and community—media, church groups, and other influential community figures.”

What’s important is that our kids have other God-fearing adults in their lives that will help lead and guide them because there will be a time when they will need more than their parents’ love and guidance.

Don’t fear this, parents. Don’t feel guilty or somehow feel that what you’re doing to love them or care for them isn’t enough. What you need to know is that if they have other adults, other mentors, other people in their lives that love them like you do, it is a WIN!

As I write this blog post, my husband is currently serving on one of the mission teams in Haiti. I have leaned on my tribe since the hour I dropped him off at the airport. I have also received a collage of pictures of my son with his Godparents. The tribe—whether it’s made up of grandparents, Godparents, coaches, or family friends—be on the lookout for those God-fearing adults that can step in and just be a part of your child’s life.

Emily is the Early Childhood pastor at the White Bear Lake campus. She and her husband John (the Junior High teaching pastor and program director) have a 7-month-old son, Maddox. 

By Gari Pisca

I always assumed I would have kids one day, but never spent a whole lot of time thinking about it or even planning for it. In fact, there are a lot of times now when I don’t even have a chance to think or plan how to parent. Which is odd, because I am a planner. But parenting often doesn’t go as planned.

Like the day I brought home three empty miniature cereal boxes that I begged off of a coworker to surprise my son, Caz. “He’ll love them,” I thought. “They’ll make a great addition to his play kitchen.” NOPE. My great surprise turned into a 20 minute tantrum about why the cereal wasn’t still inside of the box—especially the coco puffs.

Or the night that my sweet husband thought it would be a good idea to rock my 3-year-old and 11-month-old boys together before bed time. The cuddle quickly degenerated into a hair-pulling, giggling, poking, rile-everyone-up time, instead of a blissful-drift-into-sleep time.

Or even the day I thought I was ahead of schedule and had all of the clothes packed with plenty of time to spare—only to find them strewn about after nap time. It took twice as long to repack. (See above for photo proof.)

While parenting doesn’t go as planned, I don’t want to fail to plan. I don’t want to be unintentional about certain areas of parenting. For me, prayer is an area in which I want to be intentional. But I need to think about it. And I need to plan.

I didn’t grow up in a household where praying was normal, other than the simple “Bless us, oh Lord, and these thy gifts” prayer prior to dinner. So I constantly have to think about ways to normalize prayer for my children. I want them to grow up knowing that prayer is one of the greatest gifts God gave us. It allows us to communicate with our Heavenly Father—to be in relationship with him. So we pray. We pray before meals. We pray while we drive. We pray when my 3-year-old is scared. We pray in our small group. We pray before bed.

And I pray where my children can see me, even if they are too young to understand. Because some day they won’t be too young to understand. It will just be a very normal part of life that they experienced for years. One I hope they choose to incorporate into their own, regular routine.

Yet, despite my grand intentions, it still doesn’t always go according to plan. There are plenty of nights when we spend much more time praying for the “animals at the state fair” then we do for any actual people. At times, we end up with more fears because I prayed that the “God would keep Caz safe” and he somehow wasn’t concerned for his safety, but now is quite worked up. There are nights when evening prayers are interrupted because my 3-year-old notices and needs to tattle that the 11-month-old isn’t folding his hands.

But there are sweet moments. Like when my 3-year-old prays for our neighbors and says, “for all the people.” Or when he prays for each child at daycare, name by name. And there are those times when Caz will bring up our sponsored child at the dinner table and remind us adults to pray for a child thousands of miles away—that he’s never met. Those are the moments. The best moments—that don’t go according to plan.

Gari Pisca is the development manager for Family Ministries at Eagle Brook Church. Gari and her husband, Steve, have two young sons and live in Lindstrom. 

By Trent Anderson

My wife and I will embark on our sixteenth year of parenting in May, and with it brings newness in one grand form. My son, Trey, will have his license, and begin to take on an even more influential role as a leader to his two young sisters as he shuttles them around the White Bear community.

Raising these three kids has been a very intentional act right from the start. The books we read and continue to read, as well as the families we modeled all helped us invest daily in establishing character, responsibility, and courage in our kids.

One of the beautiful things while watching our kids grow older is seeing them aspire to be even better than we were at their age. Each age brings new aspirations as their confidence and drive motivates them to develop beyond our top achievements. Whether it’s breaking our sports records, over achieving our top marks in academia, understanding our personal spiritual pursuits, or just trying to outgrow our physical stature, our kids are all pushing or passing us in every category.

That blesses us each and every day.

For example, Trey, our current ninth grader at WBL North Campus, had been signed up to take the ACT practice test. He said his goal was to beat my score from when I took it during my senior year of high school in 1986. Sure enough—after receiving his results this past week—he not only beat my score by six points, but did it three years before I did. That puts him in position to already be accepted at all the state schools and one point away from being accepted at schools like University of St. Thomas and Bethel. He made sure I knew that. And we celebrated that together as a family.

Beth and I are thankful for the personal commitment and inner drive that our kids have been given, but we are also thankful for Trey—for his wonderful leadership and role modeling to his two sisters who trail behind him. He has been incredible with his example in the area of homework, personal relationships, commitment to spiritual growth, discipline in athletics, respect for adults, responsibility… the list could go on and on. Therefore—even though he is only a soon to be 16-years-old—we have seen him as a wonderful adult influence to our family and to the families surrounding the WBL community. So in addition to getting his license—which he intends to beat my personal score of 89—his influence will now take him even farther beyond the environment he currently knows.

Our example to our children has been a constant teacher and influence in their lives. I am so glad we made and continue to make intentional choices that reflect our LORD each and every day. Don’t ever underestimate the opportunity you have to train your kids through the life you live and the choices you make. And if you can do that right from the start and let your oldest be a tremendous influencer, you’ll be praising God each and every day!

Trent Anderson is the centralized care pastor at Eagle Brook Church. He and his wife, Beth, have three kids and live in White Bear Lake.

By Sarah Strand

A few weeks ago I told my six-year-old son he needed to go to his room for 10 minutes because of his behavior. He tried to argue with phrases like “I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to disobey.” I repeated back to him my usual response to manipulative arguing, “I love you too much to argue.” His response… “No, you don’t love me, this last six years has been a lie!”  Oh the drama.  I had to keep myself from laughing this time at his attempt to get out of a consequence, but there are times when disciplining and instructing consistently can be overwhelming and exhausting.

Galatians 6:9 has become one of my favorite parenting verses. It says “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” I often recite this verse in my head when I am in a hard season of parenting.

There are moments as parents when doing “good,” like saying “no” when other parents say “yes,” or staying consistent when our kids are needing consequences can become tiring. There are moments when you don’t see the fruit of your labor. This verse encourages us not to become weary.

It says that if we are doing good we will reap a harvest of blessing! The “harvest of blessing” in this verse is not promising perfect kids if we “do a good job,” since none of us is perfect no matter what our age, but there is a blessing that comes from doing what God asks us to do.

I have made many mistakes as a mom, but have really sought out God’s wisdom in parenting. I wondered many times if the discipline I did was working at all. I’ve walked the walk of shame through the grocery store more than a few times, leading one of my screaming two-year-olds to a time out in the bathroom as people stared at me. I was tired and wondered if I would ever see the fruit of my labor.

I remember reciting Galatians 6:9 on some of my hardest days with a couple of strong willed children. Though my children aren’t perfect, I am starting to reap some of the blessing of the hard work of fighting those long battles, encouraging my kids, and praying for them. With our new two-week-old baby to care for it is a blessing to see our kids getting along, listening and being helpful, which is not something we’ve always experienced.

It is so easy to want to give into our children’s manipulation, or into our culture’s way of parenting. It is easier to disengage sometimes. Remember Jesus promised to never leave us or forsake us. He is with us, and we can always ask him for strength and wisdom.

Parents don’t give up teaching your kids, setting rules and following through with consequences. Don’t give up the habit of reading the Bible/devotions to your kids, even when they resist. It may seem too tiring at the time, but it is good and you will reap a harvest of blessing if you don’t give up!

Sarah Strand has been married to Teaching Pastor Jason Strand for 10 years. Together they have four children. Prior to staying home with their kids, Sarah worked as a marriage and family therapist. She blogs at http://writeitonarock.com/.

By Ray Zaffke

Talking with teens can be tough, but God wants us to connect and do all that we can to engage in their lives.

If you have teens, you have probably experienced the uncomfortable silence when you ask the routine questions around the dinner table. “How was your day?” is often followed by resistance, silence, or an automatic response of “fine.” Our teens may talk with their friends in lengthy conversations, but parents only seem to get text-message-sized responses in their attempt to connect. While it seems that teens choose to shut their parents out, it’s still possible to cultivate a relationship with them—if you are willing to genuinely engage into their lives. But how can we break through the uncomfortable silence and establish a genuine connection?

Ask open-ended questions and ask them in a way that will not trigger their automatic responses (“fine,” “nothing,” or “whatever”).

Here are a few conversation starters:

1. If you could spend this spring break traveling anywhere in the world, where would you go, and why?
2. What’s the dumbest trend that you have noticed at your school lately?
3. If you could change the way we run things around here as a family, what would you change?
4. What’s the biggest spiritual/school/relational challenge you are facing right now?
5. What’s something you feel like people don’t really understand about you?

These questions get progressively deeper; be deliberate. As your teen starts to become more comfortable opening up, you’ll get a sense of when it’s appropriate to tackle tougher questions.

Another tip that I picked up from a marriage and family therapist: keep it short, sweet, and to the point. (Unless your teenager desires to drive the conversation further.) If your discussions point to a specific issue that you need to confront your teen about, use as few of words as possible.

Rule of thumb: a 15-year-old can stand about 15 words of direction at a time.

The burden of building trust in a parent/teen relationship is always on the parent. Building trust now will help your teens to grow up knowing you are a resource of wisdom and encouragement that they can rely on when life gets tough. And if not, there is always the old standard—they’ll look at you as if you’re their ATM.

Blessings to teen parents; enjoy the journey.

Ray Zaffke serves on staff at Eagle Brook Church as a pastor and is the family ministries director. He and his wife Pam have been married for 21 years and have two sons (18, 19).  

By John Alexander

It’s painful to say no. And in this case, I’m not talking about saying no to our kids.

On August 3, 2011, I became a new dad to Maddox. Suddenly, I, John Alexander—child of God, follower of Jesus, husband, student pastor, seminary student, part-time golfer and slow-pitch softball player—took on a new title that trumps them all: Dad.

Now, I consciously understand the priorities of life should be first, my relationship with Jesus; second, my relationship with my wife; third, my relationship with my son; and fourth, all those other things (although golf sometimes jumps the priority ladder).

But when Maddox was born, I quickly felt the unbelievable weight of this responsibility. Suddenly, my life became consumed by Maddox and my relationship with him.

However, almost just as quickly, as Maddox learned to sleep through the night early on and became the most easygoing baby in history, my priorities shifted again. Suddenly, those other things—golf, softball, school, work, Seattle sports—began to creep back up on the priorities list.

Recently, I was offered an opportunity to pursue something incredible, something I had dreamed of doing for a long time. Before Maddox, I would have pursued the opportunity because it was something I wanted to do, my wife, Emily, would give me her blessing, and I would find the time to do it.

And to be honest, I initially responded with wanting to pursue this opportunity. But as I began to ask several older, wiser fathers and men, I found myself looking for someone to say “Yes, you should go for it.” None of them actually did. And as I began to pray and really chew on it, as I began to realize how much this would unbalance my priorities list, I ended up saying “No.”

And it was painful.

Suddenly, this gift of my son, Maddox, felt like a burden. (Is that okay to admit?) Maddox was keeping me from pursuing something I selfishly wanted to do! I had rarely—if ever—said NO to any kind of opportunity like this, and yet here I was, saying “No.”

Mark 1:35-39 says “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Everyone is looking for you!” Jesus replied, “Let us go somewhere else—to the nearby villages—so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” So he traveled throughout Galilee, preaching in their synagogues and driving out demons.

Two things strike me about this Scripture. First, Jesus was praying very early in the morning, when he clearly had other things to do (like heal people!). But he had priorities. Second, his disciples said, “Everyone is looking for you.” And he could have stayed and basked in the glory of the “whole town” gathering around his door! But he knew he had other things to do. He knew he had other priorities. So he said “No.”

Why? Why are we called to say no to some things?

So we can say “Yes” to better things. So we can say “Yes” to real priorities. So we can keep our priorities in order and raise amazing kids.

I’m going to continue to be honest: It’s painful to say “No” to great opportunities. But there is a promise with it—a promise based on sheer reason. When I say “Yes” to something, I am inevitably saying “No” to other things. But I believe there is a greater promise, a promise that God has for those who love him:

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

I said “No” because I wanted to say “Yes” to my priorities. But I only have these priorities—God, spouse, kids, ministry, other—because I love God.

While it’s painful to say “No,” let’s hold on to this promise and raise amazing kids.

John Alexander is the Jr. High teaching pastor at Eagle Brook Church. He lives in White Bear Lake with his wife Emily (the Early Childhood pastor at EBC’s WBL campus), their son Maddox and their dogs Bear and Nala. Follow him on Twitter @johnalex5.